Wii 2 rumour round-up

If any of these faux Wii 2 rumours – fresh from my very own brain – turn out to be true, my uncle will be a monkey. Or however that phrase goes. Behold:

  • Nintendo’s top boffins are currently creating a new colour that only the Wii 2 will be able to display.

  • The Wii 2 will be shaped like Abraham Lincoln’s hat.

  • The Wii 2 will examine your face and give out make-up tips while booting up.

  • If you have an honest looking face the Wii 2 will let you download games before paying for them.

  • The Wii 2 will monitor how many violent games you play and then send a ‘Psychopath Rating’ to the local police.

  • Unlike other videogame consoles, the Wii 2 will only need an oil change every 18 months.

  • The Wii 2 will take photos of you while you play and send them back to Reggie for his own ‘personal collection’.

  • If a Wii 2 breaks it’ll automatically request a visit from a fully trained electrician. It’ll also eject a rubber dingy.

  • The current design of the Wii 2 infringes on no less than sixteen of Dyson’s patents.

  • To justify the high price tag the Wii 2 will have built-in parking sensors.

  • If you’re bald the Wii 2 will offer sympathy and make games easier so you don’t feel inadequate.

  • You won’t be able to download software onto the Wii 2 without purchasing the chip and pin machine accessory.

  • Wii 2’s friend codes will be formed of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics.

  • You won’t be able to eject disks from your Wii 2 unless you regularly charge up the Soda-Stream style gas canister located underneath.

  • Valve wanted to make Portal 2 a Wii 2 exclusive but Nintendo turned it down saying it looked “too white”.

  • If you buy a pre-owned game the Wii 2 will send your name and address to the developers so they can send you hate mail.

  • The Wii 2 will emit a pheromone to attract kittens.

  • To deter hackers the Wii 2 will simply give out your credit card details to anybody who asks nicely.

  • The Wii 2 will switch itself off the moment somebody with a beard enters the room.

  • The Wii 2 is, in actual fact, a board game.

And here are some of our favourites from our Twitter followers:

  • Wii 2 will be sold with a magazine that gives away a new piece each week for 97 weeks starting with the first at £1.99. – @Treesmurf11

  • Wii 2’s home screen will constantly display “We are making Pikmin 3” as a reassurance. But it will never come out. – @jellyscare

  • To stop theft Wii 2 sprays skunk essence at anyone wearing Black and White stripes and carrying a bag marked ‘swag’. – @Treesmurf11

  • A new PSN style trophy system will be incorporated into the Wii 2, called NintenRophies. – @RicDixon

  • Instead of Miis, the Wii 2 will have a built-in Tingle who will invade every game you play at the most annoying times. – @jellyscare

  • Wii 2 will have hair like Donald Trump. – @painstick

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