You may have a good idea of what to expect from something called Priest Simulator. We’re going to be listening to confessions, standing solemnly at funerals, putting on fundraisers to fix the church roof, and performing exorcisms, right? Well…yes. But you also play as a demonic vampire who finds themselves caught in a holy war between Shatanists and Christianists, resulting in first person shooting shenanigans. So, there’s that, too.
Priest Simulator: Vampire Show comes from a Polish studio, and as such is inspired by Polish culture – right down to its unique brand of humour. There’s a lot of swearing, pop culture references spanning decades, liberal drug and alcohol use, and central characters that include wooden mannequins, a humanoid frog, and a man with a bomb for a head. It’s also presented as a mockumentary with cutaways in which the cast are interviewed, film grain and all.
It’s cut from the same cloth as other crass first-person shooters, with Postal 2 and Postal 4: No Regerts being the best examples. You’re presented with a small open world – a litter strewn Polish village with boarded houses and rickety shacks – and must complete various objectives to progress the story, such as retrieving sacred artefacts, defeating demonic hellspawn, and gathering items to perform rituals. All the while, resources and cash must be collected to help rebuild a church. These aren’t just predictable improvements such as a new roof and a bigger altar, but also such sights as colossal lava lamps and a jacuzzi.
There are even points when the storyline can’t be progressed until a certain level of Christianism is achieved, requiring a grind for resources or a trek around the map to either perform timed exorcisms – which involve finding and smashing totems inside a house before your health depletes – or to find holy relics, clues for which can be purchased. Thankfully, a car can be summoned to get around the map a little quicker. Just be sure not to take it off-road, as it’ll likely become snagged on scenery.
A dual-wielding system is in play, allowing two weapon types to be carried at once. Weapons here are far from typical, including a shotgun gauntlet, a glowing blade that can be charged, a giant hammer, and a crucifix that summons lightning. Telekinesis can be used in combat too, grabbing items and launching them at foes. As most enemies take 3-4 hits to kill, grabbing explosive tanks and lobbing them is a very efficient way to get rid of several Shatanists at once. Telekinesis also features in exploration, relocating large items to reach higher areas.
Tying everything together are a bunch of different systems, such as weapon upgrades that require precious black metal, the ability to become more combat proficient and resilient by purchasing supplements, and earning splendour by cleaning graffiti and flipping fallen crucifixes. There’s definitely quite a bit to become invested in once you’ve got into the swing of things. That, and becoming accustomed to the terrible voice acting, which the game itself charitably describes as being non-professional.
The presentation is certainly a little crude overall, with the visuals being a good ten years behind the times, yet the controls are intuitive and there’s nothing in the way of performance issues. In fact, it runs surprisingly smoothly. There are irregularities to contend with though, such as text that remains untranslated and dialogue that doesn’t make a great deal of sense, such as NPCs that yell such nonsensical things as “Give me an A!” and “Beware of the cesspit!”
In all, Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is a real oddity. It’s a fully featured product, with a story that lends the experience a methodical sense of progression, a bunch of systems to invest in, and the church to gradually expand – with upgrades being far more than cosmetic. All these things combined make for a moderately compelling experience, and while enemy confrontations don’t vary a great deal, caution must still be exercised. You don’t want to bait a bunch of enemies at once, or enter the game’s second more dangerous area while ill-equipped.
At the same time though, Priest Simulator’s brand of offbeat humour can be considered off-putting. The developers clearly had a warped and vivid vision of what they wanted to create here. Credit where credit is due, they’ve more or less pulled it off. But whether you’ll want to explore a bleak Polish village while shooting devil worshipers and hearing repeated use of the ‘f word’ is something only you can answer. If that sounds like a fun time, we aren’t ones to judge.
Asmodev’s Priest Simulator: Vampire Show is out now on PS5 and Xbox Series. Published by Ultimate Games. It first launched on PC in 2024.