Gaming’s fittest birds

We’ve spotted a worrying trend recently on a few less established websites – articles based ‘gaming’s sexist women’ and the like. We’ve decided to put a spin on our very own round-up though, so here’s our top six fittest birds… of the avian variety. Oh, it’s not what you were expecting? That’s a pity.

6. The Angry Birds

They’re fat. They’re round. They bounce on the ground. We can’t imagine these birdies doing much exercise – they don’t even fly though the air, requiring instead to be shot out of a catapult. The birds have recently teamed up with McDonalds in Japan for a promotion, which pretty much condemns them to an early life coronary heart disease.

5. Tiki the Kiwi

The star of The New Zealand Story may look on the podgy side but he’s still willing to get out and flex those pecks to save his friends. Performing archery, floating around on balloon and jumping about on ‘70s style space hoppers are just three of the tasks the yellow fellow has to carry out. The DS revamp also has a pole-balancing mini-game. This bird is fit, much like the way a heavyweight boxer is.

4. Quak

Not quite as well known as Tiki despite coming from the same era, Quak is another colourful bird who starred in a 16-bit platformer. He’s just as podgy as Tiki as well, but that’s likely to be down to Quak’s choice of arsenal – an infinite supply of eggs. We suppose they have to be stored somewhere. Those broad shoulders must have also helped to carry that medieval armour power-up around.

3. The ostriches from Joust

Let’s travel back to 1982 now. Defender was wowing gamers but Williams Electronics didn’t want another ‘space ship game’ to try and complete with its success. The idea of a ‘flying game’ came first and after deciding that birds would be a good fit for it, ostriches were added. They can flap and fly while carrying a man donned in armour on their back, which is why they’ve made this list.

2. Chocobo

With 12 games (or thereabouts) under their proverbial belt, Square-Enix’s Chocobos had to get a mention here somewhere. Only three of them have been granted a European release but the Chocobos are still well known due to their frequent appearances in Final Fantasy. These yellow birds can be found adventuring, racing and – as seen in Final Fantasy VII – crushing the opposition with their yellow behinds.

1. Kazooie

One half of Banjo-Kazooie, the red breeze gull is our fittest bird of all time. Not only can the sharp-tongued bird fly while carrying Banjo, but also run up steep ledges with Banjo on her back. He’s a fat lad, that Banjo. Combine Kazooie’s flying and running with her egg-spitting and bad-guy pecking skills and you’ve got yourself the video game character equivalent of a Swiss Army Knife.

Next week on Games Asylum: which video game manuals smell the nicest?

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