The secret lives of videogame characters

  • Sonic once had an affair with Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle. Amy found out but never let on for the want of living a quiet life.

  • Conker’s Bad Fur Day was Luigi in a squirrel costume. It was the only job he could find at the time and he didn’t want to ruin his clean image.

  • Hitman’s Agent 47 shaves his head because he’s a ginger.

  • Mario and Luigi only see each other when starring in a game together. Luigi never texts Mario back; his phone is always left to ring until the answerphone kicks in.

  • Bubsy the Bobcat is on the last of his nine lives. He now spends his days as a recluse; a quivering wreck in house where everything with sharp corners has been coated in bubble wrap.

  • Alex Kidd and Wonder Boy are the same person. Alex enjoyed the breeze a loin-cloth brings so much that he continues to wear it until this day. He let the hair dye grow out naturally.

  • Princess Peach may look good with her make-up on but without she has got a face that would make an onion cry.

  • Link has been arrested for burglary 37 times but when appearing in court he always turns up as child Link so the judge goes easy on him. He later parties hard as adult Link.

  • Bowser once dangled Bowser Jnr over a balcony. “He wanted to see the crowd,” he said. The tabloids had a field day.

  • Dennis the Menace’s dog was stolen by a homeless man while he popped into Greggs for a steak-bake.

Matt Gander

Matt is Games Asylum's most prolific writer, having produced a non-stop stream of articles since 2001. A retro collector and bargain hunter, his knowledge has been found in the pages of tree-based publication Retro Gamer.

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1 Comment

  • I reckon Bubsy and Sonic also go to the same counsellor with regard to their inability to run up slopes from a standstill with any conviction.

    It must play on their mind – immense speed at their disposal, but as soon as they try to go from a stand-still up an incline…it’s like watching a geriatric cross a road.

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