Doki Doki Panshit

It’s three weeks since I’ve last done one of these, which means you lucky folks get seven reviews today. So let’s not mess about with a stupid opening paragraph, and jump straight in.

Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest – SNES – 800 Points
Diddy's Kong QuestDonkey Kong Country is great. That is a fact, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. The sequel is even better, with a lot more exploration and some great bonus rounds. The only problem is that there’s a better GBA port out there that can be picked up for about the same amount, with new bosses and other gumf. So get that.

Mario & Yoshi – NES – 500 Points
This is a basic, early version of Tetris Attack (or Puzzle League or whatever you want to call it). I’m a sucker for puzzlers, but even I couldn’t bring myself to love this one. It’s just too unfair, antiquated and old.

NES Open Tournament Golf – NES – 500 Points
…is not as good as you remember. It’s far too dry to be a laugh, and the simulation of golf is just wrong. If you have a Wii, you’re better off sticking with Wii Golf. It’s free and better.

Ninja Spirit – TurboGrafx – 600 Points
Ninja Spirit is nice, but broken. There’s lots of cool power-ups and an immense amount of enemies on the screen, hiding in the walls and under the floor, launching fire in all directions. It’s a shame, then, that the collision detection is that little bit off, making you feel like you never actually hit any of the ninjas.

Super Mario 2 – NES – 500 Points
Super Mario Bros. is an awesome game, one of the best games of all time. It’s playable in so many different ways, and there are so many possible ways to go about doing everything, which is why this sequel is one of the most disappointing games of all time. Some people stick up for it. They’re wrong. This game is wrong. Everything about it. Mario looks like a fat, badly coloured idiot, and all the style of the original has been replaced by a tidal wave of shit.

We all know the story. This is really Doki Doki Panic with new sprites swapped in, but that’s no excuse. In fact, it’s an even greater reason to be angry with the big N. The jumping is stupid and floaty, killing baddies with turnips is absurd and it’s got all the charm and wit of Paul Dannan. I’d rather suck the decaying, saggy breasts of Thora Hird, than have to play this game again.

Mach Rider – NES – 500 Points
Mach RiderMach Rider is frustrating, but that only makes it all the more rewarding. It’s like Road Rash, where enemies come up behind you and try and crash into you, in order to send you breaking into tiny little pieces, like a nightmare where you’re made of bone china. It’s also got a level editor, and surprisingly competent semi-3D graphics. It’s not quite worth a fiver, but it’s a little bit of an underrated half-gem. Like an underrated quartz.

Blazing Lazers – TurboGrafx – 600 Points
Blazing Lazers is shoot ’em up where you shoot giant viruses in the body. It’s a bit easy. That’s all you can say, really.

Game of the Month? Donkey Kong Country 2.