Paul ‘Mr Biffo’ Rose, former Teletext pixel-art master and all round nice guy, has finished penning his 288 page book Confessions of a Chatroom Freak. Extract-me-do:
VWXman: hey there
LoopyLisa21f (Biffo): Hello, dear.
VWXman: so wot do u do then?? work, play, student, mummy, housewife??
LoopyLisa21f: Iâ€™m training to be a school teacher, and at weekends I work at a garden centre. We have a special offer on leaves at the moment. â€œALL LEAVES: 4% off. ALSO: BUY ONE FROND GET ONE FROND FREEâ€.
LoopyLisa21f: And what do you do, dear?
VWXman: studying IT at mo. mature student
LoopyLisa21f: “IT”? The little brown alien guy?
VWXman: information technology
Biffoâ€™s CV is as swollen as a trampâ€™s gullet, ranging from writing Digitser to penning the story for Future Tactics: The Uprising. These days he’s a script writer, and also has a monthly column for Edge. He infamously managed to get Dirty Den to say the c-word in Eastenders by getting him to say “constables” really slowly. There were complaints and everything.
Publisher aside, TV’s Tim Moore is the only person to have read the whole thing. â€œI started on it last night and within a minute had spat water all over my lap. It’s absolutely fucking hilarious,â€ reads a quote on Biffo’s Biffovision blog.
You can pre-order it now at Amazon, even though it isnâ€™t out for another five months. And look: they got Mr Biffoâ€™s name wrong. Cuss you bad, Amazon.