Looking back through a decade of Games Asylum reviews makes for interesting reading, especially when the one of the first sentences I laid eyes on was: “Nintendo aren’t afraid to show their kind.”
Not all my reviews from the early days were filled with typos and grammatical errors, fortunately. Rather than blow my own trumpet, I’ll let you decide which of these excerpts made me smile and which made me cringe.
- Halo 2
Xbox, November 2004, 8/10
It goes without saying that it doesn’t ruin the game, but it’s the equivalent of going into town while wearing a brand new Yves Saint Laurent shirt with a poo stain on it.
- Second Sight
PlayStation 2, October 2004, 8/10
Scientists in video games usually cower in corners and get killed in lifts. John Vattic, however, chucks creates [sic] into people’s faces.
PlayStation 2, November 2004, 5/10
Prior to Scaler’s release, publishers Global Star issued a statement claiming that during focus tests they had difficulty prising joypads out of youngster’s hands. This proves, once and for all, that children are idiots. You see, Scaler is so by-the-numbers we wouldn’t be surprised to hear that the development team owned at least six calculators each.
Advance Guardian Heroes
Game Boy Advance, November 2004, 4/10
The real crying shame here is that that out of Treasure’s entire back catalogue Guardians Heroes is the one that we wanted to see resurrected. And now it’s finally here, we feel as if somebody has broken into our houses, rubbed poo into our carpets, and stolen the cat.
- Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
Xbox, February 2005, 8/10
Slow-burning, but absorbent and long lasting, much like some type of luxury flame-retardant toilet paper.
- Masters of the Universe He-Man: Defender of Grayskull
PlayStation 2, February 2005, 3/10
“On today’s He-Man we learnt that we should be kind to animals. So remember kids, don’t pour mustard on the cat! Goodbye – see you next time!”
- Flipper Critters
Nintendo DS, April 2007, 6/10
This pinball game is as deceiving as a fluffy kitten with a fistful of semtex shoved up its arse.
Death by Degrees
PlayStation 2, May 2005, 5/10
We haven’t heard of anybody being killed by degrees, although a 90 degree angle could certainly kill you as it has a sharp corner. 360 degrees could too – it’s a full circle and thus ideal for hanging yourself.
- Puyo Pop Fever
Game Boy Advance, June 2005, 7/10
Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. You could buy Sonic Mega Collection, which includes Dr. Robotnic’s Mean Bean Machine, for the same price though. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. And Puyo Pop DS is just around the corner. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Wait?
- Pikmin 2
GameCube, October 2004, 8/10
What do Pikmin taste like? It’s a question that has been on our minds for a while. We reckon they taste a bit like the following compound: amyl acetate, amyl butyrate, amyl valerate, anethol, anisyl formate, benzyl acetate, benzyl isobutyrate, butyic acid, cinnamyl isobutyrate, cinnamyl valerate, cognac essential oil, diacetyl, dipropyl ketone, ethyl acetate, ethyl heptylate, ethyl butyrate, ethly cinnamate, methylacetophenone, mint essential oil, phenethyl alcohol, rose, lemon essential oil, undecalactone and solvent (more commonly known as the artificial strawberry flavouring that Burger King use in their milk shakes). Or maybe carrots.