A year ago, D3 Publishing were known for their Japanese budget releases and not much else. Twelve months on and they’ve done themselves proud, having released the likes of Puzzle Quest, Earth Defence Force 2017 and the Pikmin-like Darwin in the last few months alone. This arcade racer is their first console download effort, and also the first racing game for Xbox Live Arcade. New Rally X obviously doesn’t count – it’s more like Pac-Man than anything. Silly Namco.

You get a fair bit of kit for your 800 Microsoft Points – six tracks, nine mini-games, online multiplayer for up to four players and two ‘free’ gamer pictures. The racing is unquestionably Mario Kart in style, with the nippy toy cars able to pick up rockets, drop oil spills and turn the opposition into blocks of ice. Two weapons can be carried at a time – just tap the X button to swap between the two. A bit of Double Dash, there.

The demo – which weighs in at just under 50MB – gives you the chance to rally around a modern kitchen, complete with wine glasses that can be toppled over, and also offers one of the mini-games. It’s set in a round arena in which runaway balls are dropped in every five seconds. If you crash into one then you’re out.

One neat twist is that the cars are powered by springs – if you hold down accelerate for too long then the spring will stretch too far and your motor will grind to a standstill. If you ease off when going around corners though you shouldn’t have to worry about calling the AA out too often.

If you like what’s on offer – and if you’re a fan of Mashed and Micro Machines then you probably will – then you won’t have to wait long for another dose: developers Load Inc have two expansion packs lined up (Bravo and Encore) with another 15 tracks. They’ll cost you though – another 350 Microsoft Points a pop.

I’m kind of surprised (but not very) that Pirates of the Caribbean hasn’t been able to shift Spider-Man 3 off the top spot of the chart. Instead it goes in at #2, with Mario Strikers Charged Football in at #3. Nintendo are probably quite happy with that.

The painfully average TMNT is back on the move, up from #21 to #11, while God of War II has done the opposite and slipped from #15 to #29.

But forget all of this: something quite amusing has actually happened. Pony Friends on the DS has managed to chart higher than Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops on the PSP. The former is in at #18 and the later at #30.

The PlayStation 2 chart has been active with new entries. Shadow Hearts: From the New World enters at the bottom of the top ten – which probably makes it new publisher Ghostlight’s best selling game so far – while SpongeBob: Volcano Island and Naruto: Uzumaki Chronicles are in at #17 and #18. Then there’s the child-friendly Buzz! Junior: Robojam at #13. Games have too many subtitles these days.

Sod the recent brain training games – Tetris teaches you the most important skill you’ll ever need. Namely, how to pack a shopping bag properly. Before the block falling opus arrived some twenty years ago I used to put eggs at the bottom of the bag, cans of beans on top of loaves of bread and all sorts. It was utter chaos, I can assure you.

There have been countless Tetris clones, sequels and spin-offs but with the odd exception – such as Tetris DX – they’ve managed to stuff up the winning formula by including needless gimmicks or packing the screen with too much clutter. With this in mind it’s a pleasant surprise to find that the new modes present in Tetris DS are actually quite decent. There’s a Zelda-styled mission mode with such challenges as ‘clear three rows in one go’, a touch mode that involves sliding a huge stack of blocks around with the stylus and a Metroid themed affair where there’s a 4×4 block in the middle of the screen and it’s up to you to stick other shapes to it to form larger squares.

When taking the game online you can play classic Tetris against another player, Push Tetris or four-player Tetris with power-ups such as the ability to cloak the boxes that show what shapes are next to appear. There’s no voice chat and if a sore loser disconnects the game is over and you have to find a new challenger, but apart from these gripes it plays a fine game of fall-o-block-o. Plus there’s something very cool about playing against Japanese Tetris obsessives. In short, it’s Tetris. But it’s Tetris done well.

THQ tend to stick to their cartoon licenses where handheld games are concerned. They decided to make the odd exception for 5th Cell’s Drawn to Life on DS though, which is just fine with us as it’s looking like a good chance to flex underused artistic muscles.

It’s a 2D platformer in which you’re able to draw your own character. Not only this, but weapons and modes of transport too. The developers were astounded to find that when presented with the game for the first time nine out of ten players drew a walking penis, which wielded a sword in the shape of a penis and drove a car shaped as a penis… although this might not actually be true. Images can be swapped via Wi-Fi, and in addition to traditional platforming there’s also a village that comes slowly back to life with things that you’ve drawn. Like penises.

There’s a nifty Flash demo over on 5th Cell’s website while on GameTrailers a trio of videos can be found. The game itself is due out in September.

It’s three weeks since I’ve last done one of these, which means you lucky folks get seven reviews today. So let’s not mess about with a stupid opening paragraph, and jump straight in.

Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest – SNES – 800 Points
Donkey Kong Country is great. That is a fact, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. The sequel is even better, with a lot more exploration and some great bonus rounds. The only problem is that there’s a better GBA port out there that can be picked up for about the same amount, with new bosses and other gumf. So get that.

Mario & Yoshi – NES – 500 Points
This is a basic, early version of Tetris Attack (or Puzzle League or whatever you want to call it). I’m a sucker for puzzlers, but even I couldn’t bring myself to love this one. It’s just too unfair, antiquated and old.

NES Open Tournament Golf – NES – 500 Points
…is not as good as you remember. It’s far too dry to be a laugh, and the simulation of golf is just wrong. If you have a Wii, you’re better off sticking with Wii Golf. It’s free and better.

Ninja Spirit – TurboGrafx – 600 Points
Ninja Spirit is nice, but broken. There’s lots of cool power-ups and an immense amount of enemies on the screen, hiding in the walls and under the floor, launching fire in all directions. It’s a shame, then, that the collision detection is that little bit off, making you feel like you never actually hit any of the ninjas.

Super Mario 2 – NES – 500 Points
Super Mario Bros. is an awesome game, one of the best games of all time. It’s playable in so many different ways, and there are so many possible ways to go about doing everything, which is why this sequel is one of the most disappointing games of all time. Some people stick up for it. They’re wrong. This game is wrong. Everything about it. Mario looks like a fat, badly coloured idiot, and all the style of the original has been replaced by a tidal wave of shit.

We all know the story. This is really Doki Doki Panic with new sprites swapped in, but that’s no excuse. In fact, it’s an even greater reason to be angry with the big N. The jumping is stupid and floaty, killing baddies with turnips is absurd and it’s got all the charm and wit of Paul Dannan. I’d rather suck the decaying, saggy breasts of Thora Hird, than have to play this game again.

Mach Rider – NES – 500 Points
Mach Rider is frustrating, but that only makes it all the more rewarding. It’s like Road Rash, where enemies come up behind you and try and crash into you, in order to send you breaking into tiny little pieces, like a nightmare where you’re made of bone china. It’s also got a level editor, and surprisingly competent semi-3D graphics. It’s not quite worth a fiver, but it’s a little bit of an underrated half-gem. Like an underrated quartz.

Blazing Lazers – TurboGrafx – 600 Points
Blazing Lazers is shoot ‘em up where you shoot giant viruses in the body. It’s a bit easy. That’s all you can say, really.

Game of the Month? Donkey Kong Country 2.

“How many times have you been at a dinner party when some egghead keeps ranting about his IQ and SAT scores?”

The answer, of course, is never. That doesn’t stop Midway from solving the non-existant problem though.

“Well now, instead of punching him in the head, take the high road and challenge him to a game of Hot Brain.”

That’s right, the solution is yet another handheld – PSP in this case – brain trainer, tester, teaser or whatever. Brilliant. Nintendo have a lot to answer for.

In any case, violence is always a far more satisfying answer.

They might have been able to create a perfect polygon copy of Johnny Depp, but if the reviews are anything to go by then Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End is a bit on the fishy side. Will it knock Spider-Man 3 off the top spot? Place your bets… now!

Mario Strikers Charged should do well in next week’s chart too. Not only is it the first online Wii game, but also the first Wii game of note since Sonic. Nintendo are still being annoyingly coy with the release date for Super Paper Mario but on the flip side they’ve released Custom Robo Arena on DS this week. It’s the first title in the long running series to make it to Europe, which if anything shows that they have great confidence in the current DS demographic buying it. There’s also Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales, which looks quite interesting. The graphics seem on par with Final Fantasy III at least.

Over on PSP there’s a couple of games of note – Sega’s shape shifting puzzler Crush and Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops. Eurogamer gave Crush a glowing review earlier in the week and we know that a lot of people have been waiting for Portable Ops to make it out over here. It was delayed a few times then at the last moment slipped due to a problem with the age certification.

If you’re done with the latest PlayStation 2 Final Fantasy then you might want to take a look at Shadow Hearts: From the New World. It’s being released at less than full price and the last two were pretty good. They were actually made by ex-Square employees who were fed up with making twee RPGs. Also on PlayStation 2: another Naruto, another Buzz! quiz and another Spongebob game. Who said originality is dead?

Ubisoft just held Ubidays 2007 – their replacement for the E3 show. If you weren’t a journalist invited expenses paid to Paris, it probably wasn’t much of an event, but at least Ubisoft showed the world a bunch of new game trailers.

Among the games shown were two with the name Tom Clancy in them and one obligatory World War II shooter. Here’s a trailer of one we actually like though – it involves Rabbids.

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» A new version of the PlayStation 3 firmware has been released, and do you know what? It’s quite good. Why? Because it enables upscaling of DVDs, PlayStation 2 and PSone games to HD resolutions. And that’s a sensible idea.

» If you own a copy of Pokémon Ranger, then be sure to visit a branch of Game on Saturday 2nd June, because you’ll get a free chocolate PokeBall. How excellent is that? Very excellent. It will contain a code to unlock Manaphy’s Egg in the game, which can then be transferred to Pokémon Diamond or Pearl – released 27th July. This is slightly less excellent. Even less excellent, you’ll also get an A3 poster. And to finish the freeness, pre-order Diamond or Pearl at Game, and you’ll get a ’special’ stylus. But probably not made of diamond or pearl.

» Sticking with Game – who owe me a load of free stuff after all this plugging – they’re launching Mario Strikers: Charged Football on Friday at their Oxford Street store with Ian Wright! Wright! Wright! I only mention it because the game looks quite good.

» In other mediocre celebrity news, Scissor Sisters will be taking part in the Halo 3 Multiplayer Beta next week. Has anyone taken part in one of these Game with Fame events? I’m intrigued by whether they’re entirely pointless or not.

» Special editions are par for the course now, but Grand Theft Auto IV is taking it to the extreme. Coming in a “customized Grand Theft Auto metal safety deposit box”, it contains a specially packaged copy of the game, an art book, a soundtrack CD, a Rockstar keychain for the deposit box keys, and a Rockstar duffel bag. The price? $89.99 in the US, $30 more than the standard edition.

» The Chronicles Of Riddick: Assault On Dark Athena is something of a special edition too, albeit a high definition special edition with more single-player content and a multiplayer mode. Which is pretty bloody special.

» Finally, I was disappointed to briefly mistake a press release about MMORPG Knight Online for an announcement of ‘Knight Rider Online’. Wishful thinking.

This is weird. In a frankly ludicrous move, Sony and BT have got together to offer the PSP as a phone package with VoIP capabilities. Do they not remember side talking?

We’re not quite sure what the point is either – the implementation isn’t that useful. PSP users will only be able to make calls using BT’s VoIP software through WiFi networks. At first users will only be able to call other PSP VoIP users and some BT lines, though eventually the hope is that they’ll be able to call any phone – like Skype has been doing for the past three years.

Though frankly, if the PSP can’t connect to a real cellular network and make genuine roaming calls, it’s nothing more than a fairly pointless novelty. If you really want a mobile phone that can make proper VoIP calls, you might want to look at one of Nokia’s smartphones instead of holding a bloody PSP to the side of your face.

Just about anything can be passed off as art these days. A balloon with a happy face drawn on with a black biro. A dog poo on a lolly stick. A carton of Ribena with a six inch nail through it. A photo of a nun handing out grenades to children…

This rather disturbing resin model of Pac-Man’s skull is definitely art though. It’s a collaboration between artist Le Gentil Garçon and palaeontologist François Escuillié, and has been designed with both human and animal characteristics in mind. It’s a good job they didn’t use this appalling piece of Pac-Man artwork as source material.

We’ve got a question though – where are his eye sockets?!

Back in March, Bizarre Creations went on record to say that Geometry Wars Evolved on Xbox 360 was meant to be a free gift for the hardcore. Whether they wanted it to come pre-installed on the HDD instead of puzzler Hectic is unclear, but to cut a long story short: the trippy blaster ended up on the Xbox Live Marketplace for 400 points.

With this in mind, it’s a little rebellious of Bizarre Creations to announce Geometry Wars: Galaxies for both DS and Wii. Because it’s not like they’re going to be free, is it? There’s a wealth of improvements being promised though, including campaign and multiplayer modes.

According to Nintendo Power, UK based Kuju are doing the developing. They also point out that it’s a Nintendo-exclusive, which suggests that a PSP or PlayStation 3 iteration is out of the question. It’s a shame as the PSP’s large sharp screen would be ideal for a rendition. We’d even be happy to pay full price for it. Well, maybe.